An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: 

“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At one point, he needed to choose and enter a new password.

Something he will use to log on, every time.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

“p…e…n…i…s.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.

No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, workout room, lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem they fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you……

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

I’m only sending this to my “Senior” friends. I love to see you smile.I hope I can a take a cruise for a year or two before checking into a motel.

• Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
• It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. – Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?
• It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
• The rake is always in the other trap.
• If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
• It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway if you don’t care which fairway.
• If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
• The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.
• A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
• It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt
• With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
• The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4-foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
• Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse.

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.

”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’

Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year-old Angie, and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments and they were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

Live life one day at a time and make it a masterpiece!

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.