An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.  He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.  The 80-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well.  the only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even.  The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and was in range to two-putt for his par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup.  Birdie, match, and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

Replied the octogenarian, “I do. Would you please give me a hand?”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.  

The Father says…., ‘Top o’ the Mornin’ to ye!  Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’ 

She replied…., ‘Aye, that ye did, Father!’  

The Father asked…., ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’ 

She replied…., ‘No, not yet, Father!’  

Then Father said….,’Well now, I be goin to Rome next week, and I’ll light a Fertility Candle for Ye and yer Hoosband!’  

She replied…, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…!’  They then parted ways. 

Some years later they met again!

The Father asked…, ‘Well now, Mrs.  Donovan, how are ye these days?’ 

She replied…, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’  

The Father asked…, ‘And tell me, have ye any Wee ones yet?’  

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!  Two sets of twins and six singles,  Ten in all!’ 

The Father said…, ‘That’s wonderful!   And how is yer loving Hoosband doing?’  

She replied…, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ Candle!!

Lives like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending. We’ve done just what we set out to do. Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers and you. – Kermit the Frog

Bad days happen to everyone, but when one happens to you, just keep doing your best and never let a bad day make you feel bad about yourself. – Big Bird

Who care if me eat carrot or collard greens? Me also like broccoli and lettuce and lima beans. Me still Cookie Monster. That not a sham. – Cookie Monster

Friend something better than chocolate ice cream… Maybe friend somebody you give up last cookie for. – Cookie Monster

Everyone makes mistakes, so why can’t you? – Big Bird

Where there is life, there is hope. – Grover

I’m glad to be the way I am. I’m happy to be me! – Big Bird

Elmo thinks it’s important to be kind because if you’re kind to somebody, then they’ll be kind to somebody, and it goes on and on and on. – Elmo

If you keep practicing, you can do anything. – Elmo

Here’s some simple advice: Always be yourself. Never take yourself too seriously. And beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of Parliament. – Kermit the Frog

Just because you haven’t found your talent yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have one. – Kermit the Frog

It’s good to be alive. – Cookie Monster

Everyone seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! — Calvin, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on expectations

You can’t hurry love or pizza. Especially pizza. — Snoopy, from “Peanuts,” on love

Just remember… if things look hopeless, maybe you’re facing the wrong direction! — Ziggy, from “Ziggy,” on having the right attitude

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon. — Charlie Brown, from “Peanuts,” on pacing

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers. — Calvin and Hobbes, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on the tragicomedy of life

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘What can I do to keep my life from going by so fast?’ Then a voice comes to me that says, “Try slowing down at the corners.” — Charlie Brown, from “Peanuts,” on the speed of life

I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to really re-examine your life. — Calvin, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on finding the joys in life

Life is like a hot bath: It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get. — Garfield the cat, from “Garfield,” on the experience of life and living

The problem with people is that they’re only human. — Hobbes, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on the limitations of humanity

Most psychiatrists agree that sitting in a pumpkin patch is excellent therapy for a troubled mind. — Linus Van Pelt, from “Peanuts,” on an easy way to clear the mind

They say the best way is just to live one day at a time. If you try to live seven days at a time, the week will be over before you know it. — Sally Brown, from “Peanuts,” on living in the moment

To you and yours,
THE TRAIN: 

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel by our side. As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, strangers and even the love of your life. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. Others will step down over time and leave a permanent vacuum. Some, however, will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize they vacated their seats. This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey for the coming years on your train of life. Reap success, give lots of love and be happy. More importantly, thank God for the journey!

Lastly, I want to thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Tom

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.One of them says to the bartender,  “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.  I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive”.

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

“May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” she replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”

“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.