Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.One of them says to the bartender,  “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.  I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive”.

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

“May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” she replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”

“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.