There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church, The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How  can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

That’s Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.  Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”
When you’re having a good day and then you realise tomorrow is Monday.

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, But they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. 

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” 

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” 

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, So that should do us just fine.” 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?” 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is.

While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral: Never Bulla Shita your Mama

The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . .. . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

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Irish blonde…
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!

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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

• FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now.
• FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
• FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
• FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degres west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”