Spread the Smiles

Only in   America…….do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Only in   America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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Only in America…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in   America…..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in   America…….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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Only in   America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin
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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?________________________________

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?________________________________

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?________________________________

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?________________________________

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?________________________________

I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?________________________________

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?________________________________

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, bless your heart.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well, for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit? ’ I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart.’”

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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped Saturday golf.

While driving home in my golf cart, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.

“We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Union politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924   Olympic Games

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!! I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government. 
John Adams (1735 – 1826)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself. 
Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)

A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

I don’t like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!