My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

My bucket list:  keep breathing.

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say:  “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done. 

I’m a multitasker.  I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time! 

Retirement to-do list:  Wake up.  Nailed it! 

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. 

Retired:  under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can’t find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine. 

I don’t have grey hair.  I have wisdom-highlights. 

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip ; I do random gravity checks. 

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices.  You are one of them.

One minute you’re young and fun.  The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now, I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

My body is a temple: ancient and crumbling. 

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

• John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
• The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
• I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself that’s the last thing I need.
• Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
• A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reasons Fn, details are sketchy.
• People are making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
• Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you’re donating blood.
• What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
• What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
• A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
• I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.
• What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
• I’ve finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with the emotional baggage.
• If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
• My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
• Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
• There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?  The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies .. Awards tarnish …  Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money … or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

Pass this on to those people whom you keep close in your heart. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia !”

“Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!”