Day Brightener – A Few Chuckles
Author: lorenberg
Bonus Day Brightener – Only In Thunder Bay
You don’t have to be from Thunder Bay to understand and enjoy this. This actually happened.
They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the Trans-Canada Highway, causing 3 accidents.
Yes, they went to jail… Yes, alcohol was involved.
Friday Frivolity – Thoughts To Live By
Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
Don’t corner something meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You can’t unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It’s better to be a has-been than a never-was.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Sometimes, you get and, sometimes, you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
When the sun shines warm, the wind is calm and your horse whinnies softly, it’s a nice day.
Bonus Day Brightener – An Addendum To Today’s Porsche Story
Question: How do you know the difference between a Cactus and a Porsche?
Answer: The Cactus has the prick on the outside!
Day Brightener – Buying A Porsche
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche….
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
He very calmly tells them, “ I bought it today.”
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it”
“Well, it’s used and I Got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
At this point, the parents don’t believe him and start yelling even louder.
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies.
“Name please?” Asked the mom
“I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and I delivered it to her and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. “She must be some sort of crazy. Who knows what she will do next? Tim, you go right up there now and see what’s going on.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute.
“Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Day Brightener – Who Said That The Clergy Does Not Have A Sense Of Humor
As a pastor is wrapping up his service, he tells his congregation “Next week I will deliver a sermon on the evils of lying. To prepare for it, I would like you all to read Mark chapter 17.” The next week in service he asks how many parishioners read the 17th chapter of Mark. Every hand in the congregation goes up. “Mark has only 16 chapters,” the pastor continues with a grin. “I will now proceed with the sermon on lying.”
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
Day Brightener – The Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a gun.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”..
Day Brightener – The Cowboy And His Horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
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