Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’

The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’  The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”

If you don’t forward this, you have no sense of humor.  Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.

YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I’m the life of the party…..Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps…..With a hammer.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time, because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Go Green – Recycle Congress!!!!

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.  How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country 

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

If I sent this before then you understand my problem.

(Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.) Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first…

But then I think, Since I’m going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, So, I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 At the end of the day:

• The car isn’t washed,
• The bills aren’t paid,
• There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
• The flowers don’t have enough water, 
• There is still only 1 check in my check book,
• I can’t find the remote,
• I can’t find my glasses,
• And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to. Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

A gas station owner in Virginia was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”  

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.  The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.” Bubba replied, “It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”