A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’

He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’

So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they  said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy.  I don’t know her  name – they just moved in.  She saw me ride past on my bike and asked        me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?  John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new        Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and put the money in his account.  So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)

In 1923, Who Was: 

1. President of the largest steel company? 

2. President of the largest gas company? 

3. President of the New York stock Exchange? 

4. Greatest wheat speculator? 

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 

6.. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. 

The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, Died a pauper. 

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, Went insane. 

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison To die at home. 

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, Died abroad, penniless. 

5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself. 

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, The US Open, was Gene Sarazen. 

What became of him? 

He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. 

The Moral: The heck with work. Play golf.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

————————————-

One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted….. “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”Where?”

They walk among us!

———————————————————-

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

They Walk Among Us!

——————————————–

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

They Walk Among Us!

————————————

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

————————————————-

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’… (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

————————————————

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut in to 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time Then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They Walk Among Us!

———————————————————–

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can’t fix stupid.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
*******************

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.  
*******************

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.  
******************

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”  
******************

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
******************

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.  
*******************

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.    
*******************

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.  
*******************

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.  
*******************

She had a photographic memory but never developed it. 
*******************

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.  
******************

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.  
*******************

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.  
*******************

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.  
*******************

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.    
*******************

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
*******************  

Need an ark? I Noah guy.
*******************

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
*******************

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.  
*******************

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

*******************

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’

Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’

The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’

Yeah.’

‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’

‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’

‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’

‘Yes, I do have a house.’

‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’

‘Yes, I have a family.

‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’

‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic? ‘ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’

Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’

‘No.’

‘Then you’re a queer.’

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …”Ministers Should Do More Than Lay People”.
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way…OUCH!

The end.