Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.  They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”  “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

 It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

 I would not make up this stuff, trust me.

😊

The local Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.    

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.    

Mike Jacobs, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda minivan to transport their children!’    

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.    

Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!’   

More sighs and loud applause.  

 Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.’   

There is total silence.  

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her:  ‘Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’   

Agnes’s 90-year-old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: ‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘—k him!’

Two little old ladies, Connie and Jean, were sitting on a park
bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

 The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We
 never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak
 through that stupid, boring flower show”!

 “You’re on!”, said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.

 So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

 She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between
 her teeth.

 Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can)
 through the front door of the flower show.

 Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
 hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

 Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of
 a cheering, clapping crowd.

 “What happened”? asked Connie

“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.” “Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?” “Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”. “My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?” “Si, Senor, that’s the one.” 

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”  

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.” “Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?” “Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. ” “Dead horse? What dead horse?” “The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.” “My prize thoroughbred is dead?” “Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.” “Are you insane? What water cart?” “The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?” “The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.” “What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!” “Yes, Senor Rod.” “But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?” “For the funeral, Senor Rod.” “WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod”. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………. LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit.”  

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he said. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life’

‘How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, ‘Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!’

‘OH, MY GOD!’ screamed the lawyer.

‘MY ROLEX!!!’