I am not afraid of tomorrow,.. for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

Noah’s Ark : Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark.

ONE: Don’t miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit.. When you’re 80 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed. Give it. . don’t just get it!

Most people walk in and out of your life, but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.

Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!”

Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. “I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”

Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “He’s going to rape us! What should we do?!”

I know,” replies Sister Dulce. “We’ll split up. I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”

The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent. She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun. Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.

“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.

“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”

“Oh, no! Then what?!”

“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.

“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.

“I lifted up my dress.”

“What did the man do?!”

“He dropped his pants.”

Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she’s about to hear next.

“Then… then what happened?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.”

It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood.

He asks the accused man: “Well, Mr Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honour,” replies Mr Jones humbly.

“That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?”

“Just before the store opened.”

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral. As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost.”

“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand.”

“No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?!”

Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest’s services. The food and drinks were another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone.”

Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?”

“Seven and a half carats.”

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: 

“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At one point, he needed to choose and enter a new password.

Something he will use to log on, every time.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

“p…e…n…i…s.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Bruce and his wife walked into the dentist’s office.  Bruce told the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry.  Scott and Tony are sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!  We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already…I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, at last, a golfer with real balls!!”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

Bruce turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”