1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy,  it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

“The world could be divided between those who take hard things and make them easy and those who take easy things and make them harder.”

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

 When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

• I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
• When chemists die….They barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
• How does Moses make his tea ?….. Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I never met herbivore.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
• Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
• Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
• Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
• I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
• How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?… A thesaurus.
• When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
• Broken pencils are pointless.

Three women are playing the 4th hole at Canyon Lakes Golf course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 women look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first woman says, “Well he definitely is not my husband.”

The second woman looks at his manhood and says, “He for sure is not my husband.”

The third woman takes a good look and says, “He’s not even a member of this club.”

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ;

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’

Senior Men’s Bar

Good News/Bad News

A 73-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “Ernie, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Bob replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ernie’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Ernie is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh shit”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Mathematics: Brilliant!! Thought you’d enjoy this!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly ….. mathematical viewpoint… and it goes like this: What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula… how true it is.