GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.

Following is the text of an opinion piece from the Wall Street Journal this week. As you read this, think about this – The Geniuses that promulgated these great ideas are also telling us how to run our lives! Scary!!

Minnesota Not Nice

Could a state design a more destructive policy to address coronavirus?

By James Freeman

May 21, 2020 1:19 pm ET

Thank goodness Covid-19 isn’t as deadly as many media pundits feared. Given the incomprehensible policy blunders of Minnesota’s state government, its health system might have been completely overwhelmed by now.

The sad news from the Land of 10,000 Lakes (and nearly 50,000 state employees) is that Minnesota has been implementing the disastrous Covid-19 strategy made famous by New York’s Gov. Andrew Cuomo. The essence of the plan is to forcefully reduce the income of people at low risk, while simultaneously increasing the chances of virus exposure for those at high risk.

Chris Serres reports in the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

    Early in the pandemic, the Minnesota Department of Health turned to nursing homes and other long-term care facilities to relieve the burden on hospitals that were at risk of being overwhelmed by COVID-19 patients. Minnesota hospitals have since discharged dozens of infected patients to nursing homes, including facilities that have undergone large and deadly outbreaks of the disease, state records show…

    One such facility, North Ridge Health and Rehab in New Hope, has accepted 42 patients from hospitals and other long-term care facilities since mid-April even as the coronavirus has raged through its 320-bed nursing home, killing 48 of its patients and infecting scores more.

It’s almost beyond belief that governors like Minnesota’s Tim Walz and New York’s Mr. Cuomo would impose impoverishing lockdowns that restrict so much of everyday life—while systematically endangering the elderly who bear by far the greatest risk.

The results in Minnesota are hardly surprising. On Tuesday the Star Tribune’s Jeremy Olson reported:

    Deaths from COVID-19 continue to be concentrated among the elderly and residents of long-term care facilities, with 13 of 17 newly reported fatalities on Tuesday involving residents of these facilities.

    The pandemic has now been associated with 748 deaths in Minnesota, including 608 long-term care residents, according to the latest COVID-19 figures provided Tuesday by the Minnesota Department of Health. Total infections have reached 17,029, and the number of hospitalized patients stands at 545 — with 229 of those patients in intensive care.

“State health officials on Monday said they were making strides in their latest strategies to protect residents and workers at long-term care facilities,” adds Mr. Olson.

Apparently Minnesota’s governor is really impressed with the progress being made by his entire team. Over at the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Christopher Magan reports:

    The administration of Democratic Gov. Tim Walz will go ahead and implement pay raises in July for thousands of state workers over the objections of Republicans who control the state Senate…

    Senate Majority Leader Paul Gazelka, R-Nisswa, said Tuesday implementing the raises would be “tone deaf” because “there are 12 unemployed Minnesotans for every state employee who would receive a raise this July.”

A new Journal editorial notes another appalling element of the Walz agenda as he ever so slowly allows Minnesotans to resume their lives:

    Minnesota churchgoers were hoping for a reprieve Wednesday when Gov. Tim Walz, as expected, announced steps for easing restrictions on bars, restaurants, hair salons and barbershops starting June 1. But churches didn’t make the cut.

    In response, an interfaith group including the Minnesota Catholic Conference, the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod and the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty immediately put the Governor on notice. In accordance with their First Amendment right to the free exercise of religion, they sent letters to their congregations and Gov. Walz announcing their intention to reopen their churches next week—without his blessing.

As far as the plans blessed by governors like Messrs. Walz and Cuomo, it’s getting harder to tell what they have to do with countering the virus. Meanwhile in New Jersey another Democrat, Gov. Phil Murphy, has been blaming nursing-home operators for the relatively high death toll in such facilities. But Susan Livio and Ted Sherman at NJ.com say their reporting “points to major missteps and negligence by the state.” They note:

    Despite the governor’s criticism of nursing home operators, the long-term care facility in New Jersey with the most deaths is the state-run Veterans Memorial Home in Paramus, which as of Monday reported 79 dead and 283 residents testing positive for COVID-19.

Governors should immediately liberate private citizens to exercise their beliefs, restore their livelihoods and protect their elderly neighbors.

During the banquet celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, Tom, the husband, was asked to give a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

===============================

A neighbor tells his friend, “Close your curtains the next time you’re screwing your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

His friend, who is not the sharpest tool in the shed, replied, “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”

==================================

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction manuals.”

===============================

A newly married couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was big and burly, tossed his pants to his wife and said, “Here, put these on.”

She caught them and put them on. She said, “I can’t wear your pants!”

“That’s right,” her hubby answered, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

At that, his wife flipped him her panties. “Try these on,” she said.

He tried them on and could only get them up to his kneecaps. “Hell, I can’t get in your panties,” he said.

“That’s right,” his wife replied, “and that’s the way it is going to be until your attitude changes!”

CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: 
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER
Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: 
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself.  So, I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food.  She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.  I paid for it; it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.  She’s gonna learn today you just don’t mess with us old people.

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don’t have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: “Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on the scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead, we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.  Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there’s only vehicle on the road – doesn’t seem so unrealistic these days …

They can open things up next month, I’m staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:

1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?”  Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home school Day 1:  I’m trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed.  So do we drop the kids off at the teacher’s house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself …

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I’ve ever bought was a 2020 planner.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”

Enjoy your day.  You don’t have anything else to do.