A politician visited a country town and asked the country folk what their needs were.

“We have two basic needs honorable Sir”, replied the mayor.

“Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”.

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone

After speaking for a while he told them that there’d be a doctor there tomorrow and asked for the second problem.

“…secondly Sir, there is no mobile phone coverage anywhere in the town”.

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter’s to see some friends and have some hot Wings and iced tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I quickly told them,

“The one who knows how to fix elevators. . .

“I’m not young, I get tired easily, and I pee a lot “.

Golf – if you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf – if you find you do not mind playing in the rain, snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip…  your life is in trouble!

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A  ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

Golf’s an interesting thing… no matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure.  One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.  The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says, 

“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.”  

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition.

An amazing 2 letter English word…:)

UP

Read until the end …  you’ll laugh.

This two-letter word  in English has more meanings than any other  two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.‘  It is listed in  the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [noun] or [verb].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak  UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten  UP a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it,  you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U
P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book .  . . or not . . . it’s UP to you.

Now I’ll shut UP!

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex . . .

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07… Foursomes are encouraged.

#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05… Three times a day is possible.

#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it.

Some of these are too close to home to be funny.

#1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice

#2 – “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 – You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 – Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – “On time” is when you get there.

#7 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 – Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 – Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 – Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn’t shut you up.

#12 – You still haven’t learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.