There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, the Personnel manager hired a very cute blonde, Denise, at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Denise surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Denise.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If you don’t forward this right away, there will be fewer people laughing in the world!

In a Bangkok Temple:   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:   LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s Office, Rome:   SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:   DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:   CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:   ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a City restaurant:   OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:   PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:   GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:   YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:   IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:   BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:   LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:   IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie — we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked:

“How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered  “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words… and don’t forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? – Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

”When I’m good I’m very good, when I’m bad, I’m even better.” – Mae West

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED….

A friend of mine has two tickets to the 2020 Super Bowl in Miami, both box seats. He paid $11,500 each. They come with plane, ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and $400 bar tab. Also, back stage passes to the winners locker room, hotel, and breakfast the next morning.  He didn’t realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you (or anyone you know) are interested he is looking for someone to take his place…it’s at St Pauls Cathedral in Oakland at 3:00 PM. Her name is Ashley, she’s 5’4”, about 115 lbs, and a good cook too. She loves to fish and hunt. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Fixed the “oops” I made earlier.

Added – A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, 
Raised a glass of water and asked; 
’How heavy is this glass of water?’

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, ‘the absolute weight doesn’t matter. 
It depends on how long you try to hold it. 
If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. 
If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. 
If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. 
In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued, 
’and that’s the way it is with stress management. 
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, 
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy, 
We won’t be able to carry on.

‘As with the glass of water, 
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. 
When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. 
’So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work or whatever is bothering you down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, 
Let them down for a moment if you can. 
’so, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. 
Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.’

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
if you die in the middle of it..
• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be 
”Recalled” by their maker.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, 
it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. 
Just get up and dance.
• When everything’s coming your way, 
you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, 
but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.