Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo –

“Defrost the chicken first.”

Barney Fife’s missing brother has been found!

A mature (over 60) lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies. If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on to someone you know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird   died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. she hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this!!! Everyone knows.

You can’t kill Two Birds with Onestone!!

A guy was at the barber shop getting his hair cut before going on vacation. The barber asked where he was going and he replied, “Rome.”

“Rome?” said the barber. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“United,” was the reply. “I got a great rate!”

“United?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“I’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Trans Tevre.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“Well, I’m not going there for the hotel, I’m going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you’re going to need it.”

A month later, the guy comes in again and the barber asks about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” says the guy.

“Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped me up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a gorgeous young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave me their Presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, I was quite lucky, because as I toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh? What’d he say?” asked the barber.

“He said, ‘Who the heck cut your hair?'”

The following is very scary……..Why Teachers DRINK               

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds)  

Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?  A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?  A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids ? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow.

(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)                                                  

Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’? A. The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor.  

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport.  

( Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘ benign’ mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

(brilliant) .

Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Soon they will vote…!

This is priceless. Oh, the power in words. In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!’