Sleeping Beauty is still asleep…

Little-Red-Riding-Hood hasn’t seen the Wolf since…

Spider-Man is attached to different threads…

Batman and Robin are living it up at the Nursing Home…

Wonder Woman is menopausal…

Superman is 60 years old……

And So is Little Tweety

Barbie celebrated her 50^th Birthday …

The Little Mermaid has met a sad fate

Cinderella is divorced…

Snow White has not been so lucky…

And we realize that life is too short and goes by way too fast. This getting old thing stinks. So, You Might As Well Smile AND Try To Enjoy Each Day!!

Good Health…Good Times. Good Friends. And Hopefully, Good Memories (if you can recall !!) have A HAPPY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR!

Husband:
My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer:
Age?

Husband:
I’m not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don’t do birthdays.

Officer:
Height?

Husband:
I’m not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER:
Weight?

Husband:
Don’t know.  Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

OFFICER:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don’t know exactly.

OFFICE:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

OFFICER:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.   It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER:
Take it easy sir,    We’ll find your truck.

Panic in suburbia….

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knifepoint asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.’

Emergency Operator Fired…..Why???

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed the call center from a mobile phone stating: “I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.”

Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” 

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep“.

This is priceless!

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are. You will be really shocked by the last one (at Least, I was)!!!

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things into perspective.

Diet Snapple, 16 oz. , $1.29 … $10.32 per gallon!
Starbuck’s Reg. Coffee 16 oz., $2.10… $16.80 per gallon!
Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz. , $1.19 … $9.52 per gallon!
Gatorade, 20 oz. , $1.59 …. $10.17 per gallon!
Ocean Spray, 16 oz. , $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!
Brake Fluid, 12 oz. , $3.15 …. $33.60 per gallon!
Vick’s NyQuil, 6 oz. , $8.35 … $178.13 per gallon!
Pepto Bismol, 4 oz., $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!
Whiteout, 7 oz. , $1.39 …….. $25.42 per gallon!
Scope, 1.5 oz. , $0.99 ….$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water, 9 oz. , $1.49 ..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for a gallon of WATER!! and the buyers don’t even know the source!! (Evian spelled backward is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So they can hook you for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink; you won’t believe it but it’s true: $5,200 a gal.

$5,200 A GALLON!!!

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, NyQuil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!