What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Ya just gotta give Willie a lotta credit for this one…

Poor Lance Armstrong,

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Willie Nelson

You’ve got to love this little girl. What a woman she’ll make.

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom is always saying.”

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would they be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

The teacher got a coughing fit and ran out of the room.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . … AMEN

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note…  After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… “I can see your feet.  We’re out of bread: be back in five minutes.

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”

For those that think climate change is a new thing, think about this; Puget Sound in Washington state was once covered by a mile-thick ice sheet during the last ice age.

“America does not need to see the tax returns of a billionaire who became a public servant.”

“America needs to see the tax returns of public servants who became millionaires while being public servants!”