Traffic lights in Ukraine. The pole lights up too.

Trash cans in Copenhagen are angled so that cyclists can throw their trash while cycling.

This inflatable mattress turns the back of your car into a bed.

This elevator shows how close to capacity it is based on the weight of the riders.

These tiny model tents give you a look at what you’re buying.

This mirror has a heated part so it doesn’t steam up after a shower.

This tire tells you when it’s time to change it.

This bar has a frost strip so you can keep your drink cold.

This shopping cart has a calculator so you know how much you’re spending.

This restaurant has a toe opener for those who want to avoid germs on the doorknob.

Seniors and handicapped people can extend cross time for this 8 lane highway.

This pill bottle lid tells you when it was last opened.

An accessibility mat on the beach for strollers and wheelchairs.

This water fountain allows the water to flow down so dogs can drink too.

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

Harry Neale, a professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

Tommy Lasorda, Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

And you thought Yogi Berra was the only one whose mind worked this way.

Never mind. Just go back inside and watch TV. It is safer at your age.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me, I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name!” I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes. Finally, he said, “How soon do you need to know ?”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77, please be careful !”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car, It’s hundreds of them !”

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it ?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday”.
The third man chimed in, “So am I, let’s have a beer.”

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex’.

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.

“Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $10 and $12 million…and I think she could be right.”

Paul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow!!  Well done!! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day.  Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’. The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’ The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’ Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’ Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’ The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’ ‘Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’ A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching. ‘Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples….’

Just remember if this made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

NICKNAMES:
– If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
– If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

EATING OUT:
– When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
– When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
– A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
– A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS:
– A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
– The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
– Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
– A woman has the last word in any argument.

FUTURE:
– A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

MARRIAGE:
– A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
– A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

DRESSING UP:
– A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
– A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

NATURAL:
– Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
– Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
– A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
– Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
– A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

So, share this with the women who have a sense of humor and to the men who will enjoy reading.