1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

And Finally, the 5-STAR “STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER”

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember….

They walk among us

Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in office and one in prison. Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them.

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ……..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
______________________________ _____

Only in America …….do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
______________________________ _____

Only in America ……do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
______________________________ _____

Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
______________________________ _____

Only in America ………..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
______________________________ _____

Only in America …….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
______________________________ _____

Ever Wonder

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
______________________________ _____

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
______________________________ _____

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
______________________________ _____

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
______________________________ _____

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
______________________________ _____

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
______________________________ _____

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
______________________________ _____

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
______________________________ _____

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
______________________________ _____

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
______________________________ _____

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
______________________________ _____

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
______________________________ _____

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
______________________________ _____

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

______________________________ _____

I like this one!!! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
______________________________ _____

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
______________________________ _____

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity!

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Corollary: A 250-yard drive counts the same as a 24-inch missed putt.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.

Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that fact.

A redneck from Texas decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god’s country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It’s his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree “see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

The redneck promptly answers, “that thar’s a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!! One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, “and what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, “white oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, “see that tree over there?” “i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!”

The foreman thinks to himself, “idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That thar’s the front,” the redneck says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, “how in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, “cuz somebody took a shit behind it!”

He got the job.

I would have given him 100%!  Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor!

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

And The Killer

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.  Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Darn, lady, you played that perfectly.” The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

The longer you’ve been married, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”

Thoughtful Scottish Husband

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Heather – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’  She replied, ‘Awe Jock that’s nice – are you taking me tae the pub with you? ‘Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.’