PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

• He gave his father “the talk”
• His passport requires no photograph
• When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
• Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
• His Cinco de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
• His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
• He once went to the psychic, to warn her
• If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
• Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
• He can speak Russian… in French
• He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
• Superman has pajamas with his logo
• His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
• The circus ran away to join him
• Bear hugs are what he gives bears
• He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
• When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
• His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
• He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
• If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
• He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
• He can kill two stones with one bird
• His signature won a Pulitzer
• When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
• He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
• The dark is afraid of him
• Sharks have a week dedicated to him
• His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
• No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
• He once made a weeping willow laugh
• He lives vicariously through himself
• His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
• He once taught a German shepherd how to bark in Spanish
• He bowls overhand
• In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
• He is allowed to talk about the fight club
• He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
• He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle

An engineer, an architect and a politician were arguing about which profession came first.

“Engineering of course” said the engineer. “Somebody had to build the universe.”

The architect goes, “who do you think designed it before you could build it? Somebody had to put order into chaos first.”

The politician goes, “who do you think created the chaos?”

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’? ”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with ‘If I am elected.”

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:

• Metal
• Wood
• Stone

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!