My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “s*ithead.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with (Insert Name Of Your Least Favorite Presidential Candidate Here) stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s so important at our age!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

The old guy obeys and says, “99”.

The doctor says, “Great”.   Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”.

Again, the old guy says, ‘99′.”

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ‘99′.

The old guy begins,  “One …. Two … Three” …

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing, someday you will be.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. ‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE’VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it! Even non-seniors will appreciate it! Always laugh when you can – it’s cheaper than medicine!

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing OK, if you get none right you better go for counseling or get a job.

There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.

Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Elephant Test
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, Around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you
should make you feel good.

The only word that works!!! The “F” word! Quite frankly; the little four letter “F” word can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations . . .

The word is ‘FEAR,’ of course! What in the world were you thinking? Sometimes I worry about you.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.. Asking God for ice cream! Why — I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!  Who was a two-sewer slugger?

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station could fix just about anything!

#5:  The Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of. So did Woolworth, Kresge and J.C. Penny!

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it was the A&P!

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana, shows how popular they were!

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!  How about that Jane Russell bra!

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes it took all day – with a lot of scraping!

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED eating off the beaters!

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  Certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you!

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And sweet 16 parties!

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  On Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often even stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple at a time!

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!  Check out the shoes!

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  There was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them: No cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice-cold bottle!

Those Were The Days, My Friends!

A man walks into a bar and sits down, and orders a drink. Bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.”

Guy gets up and leaves.

A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”

Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.

Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.

“SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW TWICE THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”

Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:

“How many bars do you work at?!!!”