Do you believe in miracles? Well, I didn’t either until I saw this young miracle worker restore the vision of a blind panhandler right on the street!

I Rest My Case!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’  The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

Whether you love them or hate them, the Art of the Pun should not be underestimated, as it takes skill to craft comical wordplay hat can make people laugh and cringe at the same time.   One group to master the art of funny puns, is the Indian Hills Community of Colorado, who’ve been making regular punny roadside signage to the delight of everyone. The man behind the jokes is Colorado native and volunteer at the community center, Vince Rozmiarek. He made his first sign as an April Fools prank and has never looked back.

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.

After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?”

The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.

Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.

The man agrees.

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find they guy?”

The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.”

The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.”

The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks.

“This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender.

The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.

He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

CALIFORNIA
• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
• The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
• PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
TEXAS
• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.75 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.