An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come drink my pint and their two.”

This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”

“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I inherited two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, hen he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says. ‘Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered !!!’

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.” Frank Sinatra

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”  Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”  Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Bob Hope

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this @#%!ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR @#%!ing BADGE!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun here again!?”

A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy. After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”

They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.

The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, “I want what he’s having!” pointing to the guy. The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death.

The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole.”

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes-Benz in to a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Phil.

“Well, what on god’s earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Phil.

“Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Mercedes thinks of everything!”.