A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and started getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.

The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: “I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted.”

The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: “I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!”

Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: “Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

Sven, a small town Minnesota furniture retailer, decided to expand his line of furniture in his store, so he traveled to Paris to check wholesale furniture.  He visited manufacturers; made his selections of what he knew would sell back home. With time on his hands he relaxed at a small bistro with a glass of red wine.

Enjoying the Paris ambiance and people-watching he realized his table for two had the only empty chair in the entire bistro. Sure enough a beautiful solo Parisian woman came to his table and asked him something in French, a language he was totally inept with, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to join him. 
He tried to speak to her in English, but that was useless, as she spoke no English. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine   glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left   the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe was about to close and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  To this day, Sven has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need … not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

Drunken man’s words often sober man’s thoughts.

Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Viagra just like Disneyland ……One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don’t get it.

Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it’s gone forever.

Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs
.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

“A Lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contractions’ to first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a shrink and told him: I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge I asked?

One hundred fifty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I’ll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny.This guy is hilarious… 

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins. 

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.   

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns. 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk. 

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives. 

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. 

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children. 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. 

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children. 

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children. 

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.. 

As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California . Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)  

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress. 

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so, they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Shawn.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.  I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?