If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

Respect your elders.  They graduated from school without the internet.

I’ve decided I’m not old, I’m 25 — plus shipping and handling.

Why do i have to press “1” for English? Did America move?

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Vegetarian: Ancient tribal name for the village Idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

In my defense i was left unsupervised.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid. And i usually realize it right after i say them.

We owe illegals nothing. We owe our veterans everything.

Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I thought getting old would take longer.

A wise man once said – nothing.

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Can you cry under water?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue “Viagra” pill.

The pharmacist asked “How many?”

The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy.”

The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past seventy-five years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought to himself.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it…)

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

(Oh, just shut up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.