An 75-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 75-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.” One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge, he realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The 75-year-old said , “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.  You have terminal cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have terminal cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a champagne.’ After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating the woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.  You have terminal cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have terminal cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a champagne.’ After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more champagnes. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating the woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s not even a member of this golf club’.

The professor was telling his early morning class, “I’ve found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over.”

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, “Tell us more about Rosy.”

As a kid I used to watch the Wizard Of OZ and wondered how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then Facebook came along and I now understand.

• I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
• When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
• We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
• My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
• My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
• I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
• The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

You’ll love this…

The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”