As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump Strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they Change to a magnificent 17th-century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands Of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering Fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is so atrocious that both Passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore The incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:  “Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets…I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”

Trump, always trying to be “Presidential,” responded: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.  Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, “Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve’re normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees, called in sick.”

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a cab they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it!

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury

Finally:

25. The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.

So, she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine “le computer”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!