It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

“Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ‘ Center.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances…

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

Directions
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “You’re bullshitting me, right?   You don’t even know the way to the Post Office”

FAMOUS INVENTIONS – The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS – When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, ‘I’m not going down in dere yust for 50 cents.’

THAT’S HER! – A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ‘Yep, dat’s her!’

VE COULDN’T AFFORD MORE – Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. “The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400″ said the first Norwegian. ” Vell ,” said the other one , ” At dat price it’s a good ting ve didn’t catch any more.”

THE RELATIONS – Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.  One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ” Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations? ” h e asked. ” Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know, ” replied Lena .” I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.”

MUSIC SOLUTION – Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.” ‘Oh,” said Ole, ” I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet. ” ” How come? ” asked Lars.” Vell,” Ole answered, ” because vith a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

THE PRANK CALL – The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers . ” Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here ” he saysand hangs up. ” Who vas dat? ” asks Lena . ” I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

HONEYMOON TRIP – On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, ” ‘Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to. ” So Ole drove to Duluth.

GO TO TOWN – Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of Alexandria , Minnesota .  The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole’s said, “Ole…What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You’re naked. ” “Yah, I know, ” said Ole . ” You see, I vas over to dat playboy Swen’s for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us.  Der vas boys and girls.”  ” Is that right? “, his policeman friend asked. ” Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, ‘Everybody get into the bedroom!’  So vee all go into the bedroom….where den he yells, ‘Everybody git naked!’ ‘Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, ‘Everybody go to town!’ And, well, I guess I’m the first one here.

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!
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A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?'” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
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Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
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Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription …. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!
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A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
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There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
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Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
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COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
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When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT – what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
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A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake! “

Nunzio died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

“Ah well, Nunzio would be pleased,” she said. “You’re right,” replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “So go on, how much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Angelina. “Forty thousand.”

“Aw No!” Maria exclaimed, “I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!”

Angelina answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated 500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Maria computed quickly. “Mama Mia !!! For crying out loud Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?

(just remember this, guys….)

Two and 1/2 Carets!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

(You’re gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most acci­dents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last Mississippi family who lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they won’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last pay­ment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes.

About your Father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it is a boy or a girl so I don’t know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned when they couldn’t get the tail-gate down.

Write us more often when you learn our address.

Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you some money , but had already sealed the enve­lope!

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire.”

—The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.

—The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”

—The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

—The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire evil.

—The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

—The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass over.

—The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself”

—The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It is the vengeance of Cod!”

—The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

—The Christian Scientists conduced that there was no fire.

—The Presbyterians appointed a chairman who was to look into the matter and submit a written report.

—The secretary gabbed a fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

Ole was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Lena, was really angry.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 PRETTY DAMN FAST!

The next morning Ole got up early and left for work. When Lena woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Lena put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

…..Ole has been missing since Friday.