HISTORY OF ST. PATRICK’S DAY

We celebrate March 17th in commemoration of St. Patrick’s grand and noble deed of driving the Norwegians out of Ireland.  It seems that centuries ago many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.  Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was quite scarce.  The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes.

St. Patrick taking matters into his own hands like most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.  Secretly he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland Of Norwegians).  Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all power plants in the hopes the fish in Norwegian refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep.

The fish spoiled all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows to this day, thrive on spoiled fish.  Faced with failure, the Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegians fish storage coves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders.  But, as everyone knows, this is how lutefisk was introduced to the Norwegians and they thrived on this lye-soaked smelly fish.  Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making lefse.

Poor St. Patrick was at his wits end and finally on March 17th he blew his top and told all the Norwegians in Ireland to go to “HELL”, and it worked, as they all packed up and went to Minnesota.

The Ocean – ALL you need to know!!!

1 – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2 – Oyster’s balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3 – If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4 – Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5 – A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age 8)

6 – My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and some pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7 – When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9 – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10 – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11 – When you go swimming in the ocean it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12 – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13 – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat @ss. (Julie, age 7)

14 – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15 – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn’t smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentall mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high-class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just……. are you ready for  this?

Are you sure?

OK!

Here it is!

A COMMONTATER

Now aren’t you sorry i have your e-mail address?

Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age
I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.  

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run
and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to
exercise? I don’t think so.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . .

17a. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “hereafter”.

18. Funny, i don’t remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have i sent this message to you before???…or did I get it from you?

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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped Saturday golf.

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would   someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”

The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

 

 

* I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night.” Age 5

* I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

* I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

* I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

* I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

* I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

* I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

* I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures.  Age 26

* I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

* I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

* I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 42

* I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

* I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

* I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

* I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

* I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

* I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

* I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

* I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

* I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

* I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

* I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

* I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

* I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

* I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 74

* I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch – holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 76

* I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78

* I’ve learned that life is what you make it, and your life is much better when you make someone happy. Age 80+

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I’ve learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

If Things Get Better With Age Then I’m Approaching Excellent.

“””Old Friends are the best friends!”””