ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
• Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Tom Clancy
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy.”
……………………………………………

Steve Martin:
“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
…………………………………………….

Drew Carey:
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”
……………………………………………….

Woody Allen:
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
……………………………………………….

Rodney Dangerfield:
“If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.”
………………………………………………

Rodney Dangerfield:
“My wife said she’d like to have sex in the back seat of the car… andmshe wanted me to drive.”
………………………………………………

George Burns:
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
…………………………………………………

George Burns:
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
……………………………………………….

Lynn Lavner:
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sex arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
……………………………………………….

Harvey Korman:
“Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.”

 

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.   

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye. 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage. 

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN:
A grape that got too much sun. 

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE: 
The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, 

Similar to my character lines.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer, and a married man was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”

Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

This post is one I redo periodically partly because of its relevance today and on a personal level because Jefferson is one of my favorite presidents.  An interesting postscript is that both Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826.

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. – John F. Kennedy – Remarks at a Dinner Honoring Nobel Prize Winners of the Western Hemisphere.

HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW??????

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered..’

Just when you thought our current situation was worse than ever before, Johnathan Turley puts it all in perspective in his article on John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. You can access the article by clicking here. https://jonathanturley.org/2024/07/04/e-pluribus-unum-what-we-can-learn-from-jefferson-and-adams-on-the-fourth-of-july/

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

4. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

5. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

6. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

7. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

8. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

9. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

10. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

1. Red Skelton: “John Wayne once told me, ‘Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.’ I told him, ‘John, I get scared just looking at a saddle!

2. Red Skelton: “I asked John Wayne how he got to be so tough. He said, ‘Well, Red, I eat a lot of steak and never back down from a fight.’ I told him, ‘I eat a lot of steak too, but the only thing I fight is indigestion!'”

3. Red Skelton: “John Wayne walked into a bar, and the bartender asked, ‘What’s your poison?’ John said, ‘Whiskey.’ I walked in right after him, and the bartender asked me the same thing. I said, ‘Pepto-Bismol!'”

4. Red Skelton: “John Wayne always had that famous swagger. I asked him how he did it. He said, ‘Red, it’s simple, you just walk like you’re carrying a pair of six-shooters.’ I tried it, and now I just walk like I’m carrying a pair of groceries!”

5. Red Skelton: “I told John Wayne that I was thinking about becoming a cowboy. He looked me up and down and said, ‘Red, you’re more of a cow than a boy!'”

6. Red Skelton: “John Wayne said he could tame any wild horse. I said, ‘That’s impressive, Duke. The wildest thing I’ve tamed is my hair in the morning!’