1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

Friends,

I know it’s late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis at U.S. Bank Stadium on Sunday February 4th.  They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.  What he didn’t realize when he bought them last year was that it’s on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at St. Paul’s Church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5’4″, about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Though it is still a month and a half before St. Patrick’s Day, my friend ended his work week with a valuable history lesson that few of us knew.

The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.  It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes.

St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep.

Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it “lutefisk”, which is Norwegian for “luscious fish”. Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called “lefse.”

Poor St. Patrick was at his wit’s end, and finally on March 17th , he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to “GO TO HELL.” So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota…The only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance!!!!!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week, the parrot finally said, “OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So, how’s your day been, Dewey!?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

“So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said batting her eyelashes,

“My name is Puddles.”

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

So, do you think English is easy? Read all the way to the end. This took a lot of work to put together!

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their ent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.”

NUMBER 1: If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility…

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

NUMBER 2: Now We Know Why He Was a General —–

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function… OUR job is to arrange the meeting.”

NUMBER 3: Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

“Oh, no ma’am. We don’t go there to talk.

NUMBER 4: Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: ‘Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.”

Air Defense Site: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send ’em up, I’ll wait!’

Air Defense Site: (… Total silence)

“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home.  In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called the Scottish Arms…. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

“Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not me-self, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times”.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when a new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook, connects to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location.  He  then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® with the image. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he turns to the  cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Why that’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess?”

“No  guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know sh*t about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a  herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THEREIN, FOLKS, LIES THE PROBLEM IS.