A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes?

Carol was not the best student in Catholic School.  Usually she slept through class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. “Tell me, Carol, who created the universe?”  When Carol didn’t stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Carol.

The Nun said, “Very good!” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Carol, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Carol didn’t stir from her slumber.  Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. “Jesus Christ !!!” shouted Carol. And the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Carol fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question:  “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” Again, Johnny came to the rescue.  This time Carol jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The nun fainted

That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. – Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 


2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 


3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 


4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  


5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck -is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think , and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.  


18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?  


20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 


21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.  


22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!  


23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  


24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 

27. The trouble with life is there’s no back ground music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 


29. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!   
Life is too short and friends are too few!

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

2 . What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

3 . How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4 . What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5 . What Do Most People Do On A Date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6 . When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich. –  Pam, age 7 (Love her)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

7 . Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9  (bless you child )

8 . How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1Favorite is…….

9 . How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.–  Ricky, age 9

A Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, stop thinking about sex, you are too old, and go get your flu shot!

Take That Call! A teacher tells the student.
A secondary school teacher has implemented the policy in his classes, that should a student’s cell phone ring and interrupt the class, the student has to answer it and put it on speaker phone…….listen carefully to this call and follow the conversation to the end.

A judge was interviewing a South Kentucky woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?” “Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.

Several Americans have been seen sneaking into Canada … Canada’s Prime Minister has made the decision to build a wall.