It’s time again for the annual ” Stella Awards”! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.  So, keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for this year:

SEVENTH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more…

FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned, and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more…

Double hand scratching after this one..

FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next-door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot.

THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also, not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000. PLUS, a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!” “Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.” “Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon. “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends

Giovanni said, “Hey   Luigi, how wasa da treep?

 Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.

“Whatayou mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,  she pack a biga basketa food.  She bringa  da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket

The conductor come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino

Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductor, he waga is finger again and say, ‘No a smokin in dis car. Must go to a smokin car

“We go to a smoking a car and I smoke a my biga cigar.  Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductor, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice

‘Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus.”

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods.  He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.     

 “What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle. “The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”   “Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  And because all you have is Obamacare,  she’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
• Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what are you talking about?'” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says.  “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there   tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.

Three nuns are driving back from a food kitchen late at night.  Out of the darkness a truck runs a red light and t-bones them.  All three are killed instantly and awaken to find themselves standing outside of the Pearly Gates, facing St Peter.

St Peter steps forward and says “sisters, admission to heaven is no longer automatic, even when good Catholics like yourselves have dedicated themselves to the Church. We now have a 1 question religious test.  Get the answer right and you can enter.  Get itwrong and you will have to wait the equivalent of 100 years to try again”.

The nuns were naturally excited as they knew they had spent their lives living by the Bible and could answer any religious question St Peter might have.

To the first nun St Peter asked “Who took all of the animals 2 by 2 on the Ark and saved them from the Great Flood”.  She replied “Noah”.  Immediately the gates of Heaven opened up and she floated inside.

St Peter then asked the second nun, “What did the 3 Wise Men follow to find the newborn Christ child”.  She replied, “A shining star”.  Once again, the gates of Heaven opened up and she floated inside.

St Peter then turned to the third nun and asked, “Sister, what were Eve’s first words to Adam in the Garden of Eden?”  The nun thought for a minute, then another minute, and still struggled to find the answer.  Finally, she blurted out “Wow, that’s a hard one!”

Immediately the gates of Heaven opened, and she went inside.