When I had my annual Medicare wellness check, because of my age, the nurse said that I should put a bar in the shower.

I didn’t really understand why, but I took her advice anyway.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:

– Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

– Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

– Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

– Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

– All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

– Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.

Okay den, listen up; I’m only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes–you’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.

Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say ‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!

Right now I’ll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

Moshe died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. “Ah, well, Moshe would be pleased,” she said.

“You’re right,” replied Ruth, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “So, go on, how much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Sarah. “Forty thousand dollars.”

“Aw, No!”, Ruth exclaimed, “I mean, it was a very grand affair, but  $40,000?”

Sarah answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the Synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Ruth computed quickly.

“Oy Vey! For the love of God Sarah, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”;

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Back and forth. . . in and out . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . “OK, OK, you smart ass, I can’t parallel park.  You do it!”

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird   died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. she hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this!!! Everyone knows.

You can’t kill Two Birds with Onestone!!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.”Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know, “explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..”Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty.  Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Shit! A talking chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?” Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician. The pastor is still laughing.

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone!

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters’ box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming “Run!!!”  The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers “RUN!! RUN!!”

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: “Walk.”  The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, “Run ye lazy bastard, run!”

The people around him begin laughing.   Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man’s embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can’t run — he has four balls.

The Scot stands up and screams: “Walk with pride,  Laddie!”

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages.” What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Lake Wissota and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole’s neighbors were Catholic… And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Wissota all the way to Chippewa Falls, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic.”

Ole’s neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Ole’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye.”