An Abiding Question – If a man is alone in the woods with no women around; is he still wrong??

Proof that men have better friends than women

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

You’re gonna say “I didn’t know that!” at least 5 times. Really neat stuff here:

Alaska – More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon – The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% of the world’s oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica – Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil – Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada – Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village’.

Chicago – Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit – Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria – Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey – Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles – The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula — and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City – The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel .

Ohio – There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man-made.

Pitcairn Island – The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq Km.

Rome – The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia – Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M. – The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world Is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert – In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain – Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul , Minnesota – St. Paul , Minnesota , was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads – Chances that a road is unpaved: in the U.S.A = 1%; in Canada = 75%

Russia – The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

United States – The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls -The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway.

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Had not seen this one in quite some time!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her placeand made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. ‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’ The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. It was the minister calling, ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A  little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.’It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’

‘And why not, darling?’

‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘ Notre Dame!’
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…….
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‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.   ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world………then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFITTERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

Towards the end of a round of  golf, Tom hit his ball into the rough and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

All of a sudden… POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

Then POOF! … She was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Dave, where are you?”

Dave yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, DAVE; FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SWING!!!!!!

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst…”I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…..

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.

The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

“It’s true. We never fight.”

“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’

“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’

“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’

“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’

“And we haven’t had a fight since.”