An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.   One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself.  “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.”

“If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

“If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman and that would be okay, too.

“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

“And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

My wife said when I pass she would go the extra mile to give me the burial I deserve…

I was worried this might happen……

Dear Santa

How Cold Is It?

Retirement Home.What a fantastic idea! I’ll just bet they had a ball. A German Retirement Community did a calendar where seniors amazingly recreated famous movie scenes. The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany, made what is probably the best calendar ever with a few of their seniors. According to the German press, 5000 calendars were printed.  And they were given out to residents of the Senior Centre, along with relatives and staff. The calendar models were interviewed about the project and said it was a ton of fun to dress up as their favorite actors. The shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make sure everything looked as cool as possible. The oldest senior involved with the calendar was 98 years!

JANUARYJames  Bond
Wilhelm Buiting, 89

FEBRUARY

Breakfast  at Tiffany’s
Marianne Brunsbach, 86

MARCH

Titanic
Erna Rütt, 86, and Alfred Kelbch, 81

APRIL

Rocky
Erwin J von der Heiden, 80

MAY

Mary  Poppins
Erna Schenk, 78

JUNE

The  Seven Year Itch
Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, and Erich Endlein, 88

JULY

Blues  Brothers
Lothar Wischnewski, 76 and Margarete Schmidt, 77

AUGUST

Cabaret
Martha Bajohr, 77

SEPTEMBER

Giant
Joanna Trachenberg, 81 and Horst Krischat, 78

OCTOBER

Saturday Night Fever
Irmgard Alt, 79 and Siegfried Gallasch, 87

NOVEMBER

Dirty  Dancing
Johann Liedtke, 92 and Marianne Pape, 79

DECEMBER

Easy  Rider
Walter Loeser, 98 and Kurt Neuhaus, 90

‘Growing old’ is Mandatory,

‘Growing up’ is Optional!!

AND AS THEY SAY IN THE CLASSICS …

If you haven’t grown up by the time you are FIFTY

Well then you don’t have to!!!!

I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small “e”.

No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, “Hi darling, I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!”

Fluctuations
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you, white people, too”

You know you’re laughing ….

And Then…….

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”

“Correct.”

A third glass…

”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:  “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him.

And one of the students said to him,

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk. We couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have….Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,

“Well, I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

On a bitterly cold winter morning, an Irish husband and his blonde headed wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.”  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow plows can get through.”  The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A week later they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park . . . ”  Then the electric power went out and the radio went silent.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said, “I don’t know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow s can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

(I didn’t see that coming, either.).