A lady walks into Tiffany. She looks around, spots a beautiful gold bracelet and goes over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little ‘oops’ and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near as she turns around,  her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber,  he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany, he politely greets the lady with, ‘good day, madam.  How may we help you today???

Blushing and uncomfortable,  but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed  her little ‘incident’,  she asks,  ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He replied, “madam .. If you farted just  looking at it – you’re going to shit when I tell you the price .”

‘The Villages’ Dating Ads You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages”  Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a  sense of humor?

FOXY  LADY
Sexy,  fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,  fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

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SERENITY NOW
I  am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

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WINNING  SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, Corn on the cob and caramel candy.

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BEATLES  OR STONES
I  still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on  Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s  get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

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MEMORIES
I  can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

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MINT CONDITION
Male,  1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

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AND FINALLY
A  lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said: “no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years”. She then said, “I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!”. He then said, “I have been in prison for the last 17 years!”. She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long pause, she said… So you’re SINGLE???

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Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?’

“Yes, I do,” said Shawn

“Did you, er… happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um… yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look… I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.  Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you; you’re smiling, aren’t you?)

Two of the most overlooked qualities in life are patience and wisdom:

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Warning – These are NOT as easy as they appear to be.

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.…..What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…..What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,…..what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language…..is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer……How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…..Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975? 

9. If you were running a race…..and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say……“The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ……how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers  

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name? Answer: Johnny of course

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four fee? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on … ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.