• How does Moses make tea?…….. Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again?……. Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home……. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then…….. I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me,…… The crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have,……. A Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, …….but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but………. It was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic……… It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage……. Are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says,……. He can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, ……..and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, ……..but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die,…….. They barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…….. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. ……… It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? ……… They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first………. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because……. She couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection,…… Urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are…….. Pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?……. A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy…….. Marx.
• ll the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen…….. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because…. I kneaded dough.
• Velcro …… What a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female….. The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…. You wear pants, don’t you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said…. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Marijuana and Marriage in Washington State:

On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws.

1.    Legalized gay marriage
2.   Legalized marijuana.

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says:
“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

Apparently, we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

Such Ingenuity Cannot Be Ignored!

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a playday. ‘Mommy, ‘ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘ Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round and go home;

You’ve had enough excitement for one day….

Enjoy! There some beauties in this bunch.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy said, “We seem to be about evenly matched; how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Priest at the nearby Catholic church.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and immediately offered to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

MARINE CORPS EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
For those of us over 60 – this is a great exercise regimen – for you young’uns out there (under 60), just keep it in mind until you reach that magic 60 number!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.  With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.  Hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.  Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I’m currently at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.