Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – Golf In Signs and Cartoons
SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA
Day Brightener – One Story and Two Graphics To Start The Weekend
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”
The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas although still silent, it stinks terribly.”
“Good”, the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”
Montana Meals on Wheels!
Bonus Day Brightener – Dog For Sale
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner trying to sell her dog. Look at the picture of this lovable Chinese Mastiff and then read the sales pitch below.
Dog For Sale. Excellent guard dog
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
Day Brightener – The Ecumenical Golf Match
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness “, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths. ”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me? ” he asked.
“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag. Even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. I played like I was 30 years old again. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And what’s the bad news? “ the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.”
A Real Bonus Day Brightener – Sometimes A Picture Is Worth More Than A Thousand Words!
“Bring up a child in the way he should grow and when he is older he will not depart from it!” How it is done at Rodeos
Day Brightener – Gandhi’s Wit
(This is more of an “Urban Legend ” but still pretty good read.) “He who stops to ponder and think will generally come out ahead.”
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and constantly displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.
*****
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.
*****
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
*****
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
*****
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question, “Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package inside of which was a bag of wisdom and another package inside of which was a bag of money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, “I, in your place, would have taken wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
*****
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade.”
*****
Wit always wins over sarcasm.
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and constantly displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.*****
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.
*****
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
*****
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
*****
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question, “Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package inside of which was a bag of wisdom and another package inside of which was a bag of money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, “I, in your place, would have taken wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
*****
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade.”
*****
Wit always wins over sarcasm.
Day Brightener – Get Out Of The Car!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW !”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key in the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable!
Loren Berg's Blog 