The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. “May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused about it.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, “Darling, is your prick still throbbing?” and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson is aplomb.”

Clear understanding
Daughter asks her Dad, “Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand. He is SOooo into his cars and said “that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said,”You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his, headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe.”

Missing The Point?
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.  At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs …… enough times that her husband finally asks,

“Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God – I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Nah, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’
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A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’
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Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
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One more……..

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh over the weekend

There are only ten times in history where the”F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
2. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
3. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877
4. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
5. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
7. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling? — Michelangelo, 1566
8. “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
9. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
10. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1998

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Air Show Disaster at West Zwick’s Island Park, Belleville, Ontario, Canada.

Aircraft Hits Four Buildings

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

When you stop laughing send it to someone else who needs a good laugh.

Teaching Kids to milk cows in Elementary Education in Wisconsin, America’s Dairy Land. I’ll Bet That When The Teacher Saw The Picture In The Local Paper She Fainted!

Sometimes You Have To Be Careful What You Ask For!