When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? – Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley

During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British “red coat.” Many people have asked, “Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won’t show, …and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants ….

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

Well here is the lowdown on the whole thing.

When babies soil their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em,  Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

I’m Glad we got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year-old Angie, and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments and they were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

Live life one day at a time and make it a masterpiece!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ 
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ 
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ 
’That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’ 
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ 
’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ 
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’ 
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ 
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ 
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
’How was he killed?’ asked one detective. 
’With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. 
’A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’ 
’I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’ 
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ 
Joe: ‘Really?’ 
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
’I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. 
’What did he say,’ asked the nurse. 
’Oops!’ 
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 
’What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ 
He’s still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance… 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on.

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.

So, they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’

“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.  He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?’

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.  ‘Well, Hunter, it’s called sexual intercourse.’  ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, ‘OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.  It’s called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

Every time I say I’m giving up this game for bowling I guess I just have to read this! 

It’s the smell of fresh cut grass.

It’s the way the first tee feels, alive with possibility.

It’s that feeling, out of nowhere, that comes as you’re lining up a putt, letting you know that all you have to do is get the ball rolling and the hole got in the way

It’s the thump of a well-played bunker shot.

It’s nine holes late in the day, when the sun is sinking and the shadows  are stretching, showing every bump and roll in a golden light that makes you stop and look around.

It’s the Golf Channel on in the corner of the bar.

It’s calling your shot and pulling it off.

It’s the eighth hole at Grandfather, the third at Linville and the 14th at Balsam Mountain, paintings with a flagstick in the middle.

It’s your Saturday morning game, with a little money on the line and no haggling about the teams.

It’s the guys who look like they can’t play a lick then spend their days around par, not needing swing coaches, just having a knack for getting the ball in the hole.

It’s calling your own penalties. 

It’s a kid with his bag slung over his shoulder, cap pulled low, hoofing it down a fairway.

It’s nipping a wedge just right, having it bounce once and cozy up to the hole the way Sergio does it.

It’s a bowl of peanuts and a cold beer at the end of the day, when stories can be embellished if only a little.

It’s the warm feel of a turtleneck in December, the first greening of the grass in March, the thrill of hitting it a club longer in July and greens as fast as the kitchen floor in October.

It’s the suntan marks left by your golf socks and shoes.

It’s Harbour Town in April, Quail Hollow in May and Pinehurst (Sea Island) anytime.

It’s having the sun behind you and catching a tee shot square, having a moment to admire it as it’s framed against the sky.

It’s the small but sudden thrill of finding a new Titleist, even if you already have a bagful.

It’s the clutch in your throat the first time you see St. Andrews and the never-ending thrill of Amen Corner.

It’s the belief that the magic you’ve found in a new driver will last forever.

It’s the scent of salt air, the faint taste of pine pollen on your lips and the glimpse of a gator in a low country lagoon.

It’s standing over a 5-footer that doesn’t matter to anyone but you and being thankful for the feeling.

It’s Tiger on the tee, Mickelson with a wedge in his hand, Nicklaus on the property.

It’s the little places with pickups in the parking lot, ragged grass, bumpy greens, worn-out golf carts, yellow range balls and a spirit all their own.

It’s the way you practice your swing in the elevator riding down, the way you put an overlapping grip on the rake and the way you see golf holes where others just see fields along the highway.

It’s the way tournament golf feels, even if it’s just a little club event.

It’s the feel of new grips and the shine of new irons.

It’s playing with your father, your brother or your daughter.

It’s listening to David Feherty, Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo explain the game as only they can.

It’s the gentle creak of aging muscles in the evening, a good tired.

It’s a birdie at the 18th to win the press.

It’s having people who understand what’s important, whether it’s renovating a course or reinventing a local tournament. 

It’s going for a par-5 in two, trying to cut a corner and that instant when you wonder if the shot is as good as it looks.

It’s Golf.

And, It’s Why We Play!