The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did.”

Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. Wife: “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora…. the gardener did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you think would be fair?”

A wild eyed (and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC, waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven-round magazine, plus one in the chamber!

I want to know who’s been sleeping with my husband.”

A female voice from the back of the room called out,

“You need more ammo, Hillary!”

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.  Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies:  “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning”.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

“He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Q: WHAT IS AN  AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a  French kiss, but ‘down  under..’

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH  365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make  a tire, and call it a  Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES  NORMALLY NAMED AFTER  WOMEN?
A: Because when they  arrive, they’re wild and wet, and when they go, they take your  house and car with  them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB  THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE  MORNING?
A: Because they don’t  have any balls to  scratch.

BONUS QUESTIONS &  ANSWERS

Q: What is a man’s Ultimate  embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall  with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the  world’s best short joke:
A 3-year-old boy  examined his testicles while taking a bath.’Mom’, he asked, ‘Are  these my brains?’ ‘Not yet,’ she  replied.

Here are five reasons why everybody, but in these cases a woman, should think before they speak. The last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back. Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No!… I kept thinking Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who Needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak!!!

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.