With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How  can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.

She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

That’s Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The year was 1917 (This will boggle your mind) “One hundred years ago.”What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:

• The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
• Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
• Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
• The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
• The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
• A dentist $2,500 per year.
• A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
• And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
• Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
• Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”
• Sugar cost four cents a pound.
• Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
• The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

• The American flag had 45 stars …
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
• There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.
• Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.
• And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.
• Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)
• Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…
• There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years

Today is Memorial Day.  So many of our own never made it home…..

ALL SHOULD REMEMBER……

In alphabetical order:

1. The American Cemetery at Aisne-Marne, France.. A total of 2289 2. The American Cemetery at Ardennes, Belgium… A total of 5329 

3. The American Cemetery at Brittany, France… A total of 4410 4. Brookwood, England – American Cemetery… A total of 468 5. Cambridge, England… A total of 3812 6. Epinal, France – American Cemetery.. A total of 5525 7. Flanders Field, Belgium… A total of 368 8. Florence, Italy… A total of 4402 9. Henri-Chapelle, Belgium… A total of 7992 10. Lorraine , France… A total of 10,489 11 .Luxembourg, Luxembourg… A total of 5076 12. Meuse-Argonne.. A total of 14246 13 .Netherlands, Netherlands… A total of 8301 14. Normandy, France… A total of 9387 15. Oise-Aisne, France… A total of 6012 16. Rhone, France… A total of 861 17. Sicily, Italy… A total of 7861 18. Somme, France… A total of 1844 19. St. Mihiel, France… A total of 4153 20. Suresnes, France… A total of 1541 

Apologize to no one!…

Remind those of our sacrifice and don’t Confuse arrogance with leadership.

The count is 104,366 Dead, brave Americans!

HOW MANY FRENCH, DUTCH, ITALIANS, BELGIANS AND BRITS ARE BURIED ON OUR SOIL… AFTER DEFENDING US AGAINST OUR ENEMIES?
WE DON’T ASK FOR PRAISE…BUT WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE!

Americans, forward it!
Non-patriotic, delete it!
Most of the protected don’t understand it.

DO THINK ABOUT THIS.
THANK YOU….

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”