A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily… if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God She asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

(You’ll love this)

God replied: I didn’t recognize you!!!!!”

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as – Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT???  You expected something educational from me?

You need a shot of Tequila.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish Emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

PRICELESS !!

A man walks into a restaurant  with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to  the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the  ostrich.

A short time later the waitress  returns with the order. “That will Be $9.40 please”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out  the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come  again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays  with exact change.

This becomes routine until the  two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a  steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and  says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out  of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back  her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the  exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several  years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and  offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay  for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the  right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the  waitress.

“Most people would ask for a Million dollars  or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as  you live!”

“That’s right..Whether it’s a  gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says  the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the  ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and  answers. “My second wish was for a tall chick with a  big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

http://www.hdnicewallpapers.com

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Linda is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, “You need a piece of tail.”

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. 
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!   The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Swede had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ole.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?