Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants  on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” 

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.” 

The judge says to a double murder defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The fighter pilot smirks taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my friends…….is Confidence!

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of the woman?” 

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!” 

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.

Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said…”If you haf da normal GI insurans an’ yoo go to Afghanistan an’ get yourself killed, da governmen’ pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t’irty dollars a mont, den da governmen’ got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!   

Now, Ole concluded… 

“Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”

Did we elect these people??

Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.

I’m saying GREAT paint job.

“We had no idea anyone was buried there.”

I didn’t know we could choose.

This one says it all.

What are the odds of that?

I would have guessed after age 19. 

“The difference between genius and stupidity is … genius has its limits.” ~Albert Einstein

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Larry…… ‘Giving up?’
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture? ”
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….’

If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile.

Keep spreading the cheer!