There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:  Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS – Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby”

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. 

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. 

The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. 

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. 

How soon can I go home?’ 

Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend… I’ve done my part’, Life is short, drink the good wine first’

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he’d ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’

‘Canada, sir,’ the boy replied.

‘Well, why did you leave Canada? the manager asked.

 The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’

 ‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Canada.’

 ‘No shit?’ replied the boy.  ‘Who’d she play for?’

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at all the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.

He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street.

This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.  “Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

 “No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze (Democrat) (Republican).”. Your choice.

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man…air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Y’all know Joe is a CPA. Well, he also does tax prep on the side. This is a true story of one of Joe’s clients

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

“He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, “what’s your occupation?”

“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “let’s try to rephrase that.”

“The woman says, “ok, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

“They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is.”

After All These Years!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canon laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R ! We missed the R!  We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

“CELEBRATE !!! “

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance and to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’