Friday Frivolity – Two Short Vignettes To End The Week

nNun.JPGIreland –  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us” 

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

hospital-roomDoug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

“To my daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“To my son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize Mr. Smith’s extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”

Day Brightener – The C-Nile Virus

c-nile-jpebI thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that! 

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well!

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”
Oh No!

IT’S CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”

Have I already sent this to you?

Or did you send it to me?

Day Brightener – Why Teachers Drink And They Walk Among Us

mime-attachmentThe following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.  These are actual answers from 16 year olds:

Q. Name the four seasons:
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 

Q. How is dew formed?
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  (This is not too bad of an answer!)

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
 


Q. What are steroids? 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope!)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
 A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
 A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant!)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts— the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U. 

Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
 A. Nearby.
 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That definitely would work!)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
 


Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)

Q. What is a terminal illness? 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant!)

Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.
 (However, sometimes they end up on a head, after an explosion!)

Day Brightener – A Little Golf Humor – Probably A Little Sick But Still Funny

golf-cartWhile golfing, a handsome senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, 40 ish, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you OK?”

“I’m OK, thanks,” he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you with the cart later.”   The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. “Well, OK,” he finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything…..By the way, where is she?”

He replied, “Still under the cart, I suppose.”

Day Brightener – Those Of Us Born Between 1925 And 1955 Are Living Proof!

No matter what our kids And the new generation think about us, WE ARE AWESOME !!!
OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!  

To Those of Us Born
1925 – 1955:

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.
If you don’t read anything else, Please read what he said.
~~~~~~~~~  

TO ALL THE
KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, ’40s, ‘and 50s, !!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
While they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then, after that trauma, we were  put to sleep on our tummies  in baby cribs
Covered   with bright colored
Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
And, when we rode our bikes,
We had baseball caps,
Not helmets, on our heads. 
  

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.  

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle,
and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon.
We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And we weren’t overweight. 

WHY?   

Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
–And, we were OKAY.    

We would spend hours building
Our go-carts out of  scraps  and then ride them down the hill,
Only to find Out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned  To solve the problem.

We did not Have Play Stations,
Nintendos and X-boxes. There were

No video games,
No 150 channels on cable,
No video movies
Or DVDs,
No surround-sound or
CDs,
No cell phones,
No personal computers,
No Internet and
No chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS
And we went
Outside and found them!
    

We fell out of trees, got cut,
Broke bones and Teeth,
And there were No lawsuits
From those accidents.

    We would get
Spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand,
And no one would call child services to report abuse.

 We ate worms,
And mud pies
Made from dirt,
And
The worms did
Not live in us forever.
 

We were given
BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
-although we were
Told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes
Or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell,
or just Walked in and talked to them.

Little League had  tryouts
And not everyone Made the team.
Those who didn’t
Had to learn   To deal with Disappointment.
Imagine that!! 

The idea of a parent bailing
Us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have
Produced some of the best risk-takers,
Problem solvers, and
Inventors ever.
The past 60 To 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom,
Failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
   

If YOU are
One of those born
Between 1925-1955, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want
to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers
and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are
at it, forward it to your kids,
so they will know how brave and lucky their parents 
were.

Kind of makes
you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?

~~~~~~~  

The quote of the month by   Jay Leno:
“As you know Hurricane Rita is headed toward Florida, Texas and Louisiana. Another hurricane! It’s like the ninth hurricane this season. Maybe this is not a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance.?” 

Day Brightener Or Downer – How Two States Handle The Same Issue

coyote-1820__340State 1

*  The Governor is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.

*  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

*  He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

*  He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

*  The Governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

*  The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

*  The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

*  The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

*  The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.

*  PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state. 

State 2

*  The Governor is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

 *  The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

 *  The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

While this is mythical, send me your guess as to which states would fit these two scenarios.

Friday Frivolity – For You To Reminisce And The Younger Generation To Try To Believe

1955 – 62 Years Ago….Comments made in the year 1955!

I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.

groceriesHave you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.

chevIf cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

cigs
Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.

postageIf they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

wageWhen I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost more than 20 cents a gallon.  Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

gas
I’m afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with  
saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

gone
I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

moon
Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

baseball-jepgI never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.

typeIt’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

work
It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids 
so they can both work.

hire
I’m afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

vw
Thank goodness I won’t live to
see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

taxesThe fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

fast
There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a motel.

motel
No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.

sickKnow any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!  Be sure and send it to your kids!