As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘ Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself..~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostan

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

Here’s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I’m almost seventy-six. ) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said…

He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?

Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam. The deciding question was, “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect.” Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum…. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….

A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

The Polish Golf Club Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship
and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep
valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into
the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the
hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but
there’s a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed
each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.
They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist
golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle
of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, “We had better get a ruling from a tournament
official to straighten this out.” “This is the Polish Country Club
Championships and
we don’t want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong
ball.” “After all, we are tied for the lead.”

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf
balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

“Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

O x y m o r o n s

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

This is a story that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked   the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.’