Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – The Ten Best Caddie Responses
Number:10
Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Number: 9
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Number: 8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”
Number: 7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Number: 6
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Number: 5
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Number: 4
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “It’s very good – personally, I prefer golf.”
Number: 3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”
Number: 2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Bonus
An old favourite . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . He finally gives up and asks his long-suffering caddy,
Golfer: “Can you see any obvious problems ?”
Caddy: “There’s a piece of s**t on the end of your club.”
Golfer: He picks his club up and cleans the club face.
Caddy: ” . . . other end.”
Friday Frivolity – A Little Levity As We Begin To Think About Taxes
‘Even if your dog does do ‘His Business’ in your basement, you still can’t deduct it as office space.’
‘You may have fooled us last time, Mr. Chicken, but playing dead won’t work this time.’
Day Brightener – A Thought For The Day And The Interchange Between A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop
It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “
Golfer’s Day Brightener – Golfisms – How Many Can You Identify With?
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.
Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.
It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
No golfer ever played too fast.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
Any change works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.
Never teach your wife to golf.
Never play your son for money.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
The rake is always in the other trap.
The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.
The rough will be mowed tomorrow.
The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.
It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch tree branch 90% of the time.
Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.
The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.
No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.
The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.
Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.
If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that fact.
Day Brightener – A Few Short Takes To Get The Week Going
I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”
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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.”
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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
* Stress is when wife is pregnant,
* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
* Panic is when both are pregnant.
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A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”*
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.”
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A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”
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Nominated as the best short joke this year…
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom” he asked, “are these my brains?” “Not yet,” she replied.
Friday Frivolity – How Four Senior Golfers Solve The Same Problem
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning – golf course or intercourse?” She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”
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